Depression takes hold

If you've ever struggled with depression I hope this helps you know you're not alone. If you've never struggled with depression i hope this helps you get a small glimps of understanding or at least awareness for someone you know who suffers from depression.

Wednesday night we got home to Arizona from a three week stay in Ohio. It was at times very stressful and definitely took  a tole on me and my mental state.

Thursday afternoon my wonderful husband went to the grocery store for us. When he came home with bags full of groceries I was grateful. At the same time I could feel the darkness inside me trying to come to the surface. As I unpacked the groceries I noticed a few things that he bought that were different types than what i would get. not normally a big deal. But when you can feel your depression creeping up it can set you off. When i noticed that the salad i wanted wasn't anywhere in sight, after my husband swore to me that he bought it my anger clouded over and i shut down.

I slumped on the floor and stared into space for 10 minutes until Nathan came to check on me and I tried to explain to him "I'm not mad. I'm sad. I know a missing salad is not that big of a deal. but i cant stop my brain from being disappointed right now. we got into an argument and i went upstairs. but 10 minutes later i came down and apologized for over reacting. knowing and being proud of myself for recognizing and interrupting my spiral into depression. But my struggle wasn't instantly over. As I'm cutting up the vegetable for my dinner the dark thoughts kept creeping. "Like look at this knife. you could stab yourself. it would take your pain away. maybe just a little slice. Just cut the tip of your finger."

Depression is not just about being stuck in bed for days at a time, though there are those times still. It's also the unjustified arguments that you just cant stop your mouth from starting. or the thoughts you have about self harm that you know deep down you don't want to act on.

I am very grateful for a supporting husband who tries his best to understand and be helpful. For a doctor who recognizes the signs and helps me find the right combination of meds that help keep the darkness at bay and an outlet here to help even one person know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you need to talk, or listen to someonelse's woes please reach out to me, or someone else who will listen.

XO
M

Some days you just can't predict whats coming. Thursday of this week my kids woke up at 5:50am. Then something miraculous happened...they went BACK to sleep! They slept until 7:15, for the first time in weeks! Nathan was only working that day then he would be off for two, so I, naturally, thought I can DO this today!! Extra sleep and only one day is no problem, right? Hahaha. Well karma decided to teach me a lesson on being cocky..
around 10 that morning I slipped into the bathroom for a few minutes, coffee drinkers will understand this, and I hear Eli yelling from his room. (Their room is baby proofed with a handle cap that Denver can open but Eli can not) And then I hear Denver yelling "POOP, There's poop on the floor!" I take a deep breath and open the bathroom door, and step in poo.. right outside the bathroom, on the carpet, and in the boys room too... Eli had gone pee downstairs in potty then came upstairs, naked, and Denver stuck him in their room and Eli couldn't get out. And apparently had to poop. I let out a yell. Then pulled myself together, scooped Eli up and put him in the sink, washed myself off in the tub. Then cleaned up the mess. Then gave Eli a bath, cloroxed the tub, spot cleaned the rug, then we vacuumed the bedroom and hallway. All before lunchtime. Then we made lunch and Eli and I got much needed naps. We ended the day playing in the grass and having a picnic snack before daddy got home. I am grateful I was able to handle it all even if I didn't handle it the best. I know days will always be full of surprises and chaos but as long as I keep my wits and remember that its only one day, and who knows what tomorrow will bring?

Endings are hard, but sometimes beginnings can be harder. I am a SAHM of two toddlers. boys. wild, crazy, silly, stubborn, lovely boys. But it is so much more than babysitting. feeding, cleaning, laundry, oh how i hate laundry. it NEVER ends. baths, naps. Then you feel awful if you're not teaching them things every day. Like there are parents out there who teach their 4 year old to read already. REALLY? I kept them from breaking an arm today and coerced them into spinach with their smoothly. I think it was a win today. But no it never does seem enough does it? no mater what you do, there is always more. More cleaning, more teaching, more manners, more patience. Oh how I need more patience. Ever feel like you just weren't made that way? seriously I don't think i''m hard wired for a massive amount of patience. it just isn't there. maybe that space is already full of things like Friends quotes and Gilmore Girl movie choices. I don't know. I do know that this "system" I have doesn't seem to be working. well its working but more in a squeaky gears, needs a tune up kind of way. how to fix it? Hell, I have no idea. Do I need a better routine? yeah probably. but I also need them to sleep past 6:30 if I'm expected to be productive for an entire day. So where do we go? not sure. I can't drive (thank you blindness) so regularly scheduled anything is virtually impossible. Do i want to contribute more? sure. but to get into daycare I have to have a job to pay for it. To get a job I need them in daycare. also, I'm not really excited about the prospect of a 9$/hr sales job just to cover the crazy cost of childcare. So I guess my searches into the great expanse of online business begins. I have friends in Lularoe, Beach Body, 31, Sentsy, Jamberry, Younique... I'm sure the list is possibly actually endless. It seems they are everywhere. for everyone. well almost everyone. I never saw myself as an online sales, pitching product (even great product) kind of girl. So for now, I'll continue my search for whats next. inwardly and outwardly. Things will change. eventually. I just have to figure out which direction I need to head first...

Family and snuggles!

 Aunt Kayte, or as I call her to Denver, "You're mother in law" came over after church our 1st sunday in Ohio and ate lunch. Then we played the Disney Headbands game!

 

He got in lots of snuggles with MEEMAW AND PAPAW Chuck!

 And he got to go have dinner with Great Grandma June! We loved it!! He rolled around on the floor for her, and even sat in my old high chair!









 

Uncle Stephan even changed a diaper and got him dressed!

 We got to hang out with the G. G.s at their house too!

 Denver had lots of new things to see in Ohio too. We found my old hook on high chair and used it at Moms, gave him a bath in the bathroom sink, which he might be a tad big for..., and he LOVED playing the baby piano at Papaw Tom and MeMe's!

Family Fun at Daddy's

Daddy came over to see us and brought us some awesome shirts he had made!

 He had them made for himself and his girls! They say Coate University! We love them!

Even if Sharyn's was a little big for her, but that's what you get when you eat whatever you want and don't gain a pound!

 We all climbed on Daddys truck and got in a family photo! Pretty good considering the group we were working with :D Sad baby Denver wasn't in it though

We decided right then to head to Daddy's for some family fun time!
We had hamburgers and hot dogs on the grill, shot bows and arrows, sling shots, played with hatchets, rode the 4 wheeler, and Daddy's motorcycle, played a board game, goofed off with the stuffed animals, roasted marshmallows and got family photos!

 (That's how the Coate's use a moby wrap!)

And we actually got a pretty good photo of Daddy and his grandbabies!

 Hello again everyone!

Sorry for our long overdue hiatus from blogging. I spent a month at the end of March, beginning of April in Ohio with Denver. We (mostly) had an amazing time. Although i did learn that we'll never be away from Nathan that long again! We missed him like Crazy and I honestly don't know how he survived :D

Ok so round 1 of photos, We started out our visit staying with, the new, Mrs. Erickson!

She had the opportunity to see Denver's love of water when we gave him a bath in her kitchen sink

 Here are a few of my crazy nieces! The reason we took these? Shana took AN HOUR to straighten kirstens hair! They seemed to enjoy it though! Just goofing off and surfing the internet mostly!

 Meemaw go in sever rounds of Denver snuggling, of course

 fuzzy photo bomb!

Motzart?

After taping this next video I'm wondering if my son is the next Motzart? Maybe...

Maybe not, but he is definitely a talker like his Momma!