If you've ever struggled with depression I hope this helps you know you're not alone. If you've never struggled with depression i hope this helps you get a small glimps of understanding or at least awareness for someone you know who suffers from depression.
Wednesday night we got home to Arizona from a three week stay in Ohio. It was at times very stressful and definitely took a tole on me and my mental state.
Thursday afternoon my wonderful husband went to the grocery store for us. When he came home with bags full of groceries I was grateful. At the same time I could feel the darkness inside me trying to come to the surface. As I unpacked the groceries I noticed a few things that he bought that were different types than what i would get. not normally a big deal. But when you can feel your depression creeping up it can set you off. When i noticed that the salad i wanted wasn't anywhere in sight, after my husband swore to me that he bought it my anger clouded over and i shut down.
I slumped on the floor and stared into space for 10 minutes until Nathan came to check on me and I tried to explain to him "I'm not mad. I'm sad. I know a missing salad is not that big of a deal. but i cant stop my brain from being disappointed right now. we got into an argument and i went upstairs. but 10 minutes later i came down and apologized for over reacting. knowing and being proud of myself for recognizing and interrupting my spiral into depression. But my struggle wasn't instantly over. As I'm cutting up the vegetable for my dinner the dark thoughts kept creeping. "Like look at this knife. you could stab yourself. it would take your pain away. maybe just a little slice. Just cut the tip of your finger."
Depression is not just about being stuck in bed for days at a time, though there are those times still. It's also the unjustified arguments that you just cant stop your mouth from starting. or the thoughts you have about self harm that you know deep down you don't want to act on.
I am very grateful for a supporting husband who tries his best to understand and be helpful. For a doctor who recognizes the signs and helps me find the right combination of meds that help keep the darkness at bay and an outlet here to help even one person know that YOU ARE NOT ALONE. If you need to talk, or listen to someonelse's woes please reach out to me, or someone else who will listen.
XO
M
